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Pastoral Grief Counseling

By Volodymyr Dyriv, Eparchy of Toronto

There is "a time to be born and a time to die" (Eccl.3:2). Death is a part of human life. We are born in time; we change and we grow with time. We experience both good and evil, joy and suffering, pleasure and pain, happiness and sorrow; finally, we face death, "and the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it" (Eccl.12:7). Every day people face grief from the loss of someone close. Losing someone you love is very painful and is experienced by all. Loss that goes unacknowledged or unattended can result in disability. But grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but there are ways to make your grieving more complete and positive.

This paper will discuss how one should cope with pain from losing someone close, and in some situations, how one should stop their process of denial and face grief as a normal and natural stage of life. This paper will also cover how one should live out life with day to day pending grief, without falling into depression. The final aspect of this paper deals with how one should experience grief in a complete and positive way, with the help of a pastor. To avoid confusion this paper will not touch upon therapy grief counseling because that is something that should be left to psychiatrists or other professionals. Areas such as different types of grief will not be discussed, for example, grief of losing a pet or losing a job etc. Although these other types of grief can be good examples and can complete a person’s understanding of grief if a person has never experienced serious grief such as the death of a loved one. A pet can be loved, but that’s a different type of grief. First and foremost, the death of a loved one will be more striking to a person than any other grief in life: the grief of death deserves attention in this paper.

Death is a very important part of life. It is the final stage of our natural life. Although a person’s life ends, it may mark a new period of learning for family members. Death may be greatly feared by the family and that is why a pastor comes in to comfort the family and if the person is terminally ill, then he or she also gets comforted by the pastor during his/her last moments. Most of the time a person needs comforting during their last days, to leave the world with peace of mind. This is something that is prayed for in the Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom: “for peaceful repose.” It is a good thing for the family or for a friend to witness the peaceful death of a loved one because then bereavement usually is less intense in the long run.

Grief is the human emotional response to loss. It also varies at different stages in its process. The stages are different because of the type of loss involved. Grief which is experienced through the loss of a known person is different from the grief one may have over the death of a friend or a close relative. Therefore the type of loss a person goes through will correspond with the type of grief. Not only is grief different because of the type of death and whose death it is but grief also provokes different reactions in different cultures.1 There are many other things to be accounted for when looking at what type of grieving process the person will go through, such as the person’s age, gender, etc. at the time of their death. There is also a difference between a child’s way of coping with the death of a loved one and a parent’s or sibling’s. Grief is also the process that allows us to let go of that which was and lets us prepare ourselves for that which is to come.

Grief contains sorrow, guilt, and anger, as well as confusion which arise at the time of loss. Grieving is an active process of coping with loss. It is not something done to us but rather something which we naturally do. The process of grief is about transformation and requires time, effort, preparation, and patience. Usually the bereaved can observe progress in their grieving by looking back instead of forward.2 This means a person who has come in contact with death and grief before may have a smoother time during a subsequent bereavement. A person who has never experienced deep grief strongly needs to prepare for this process. This kind of preparation can take place shortly before the person passes on and if it is evident that the person will die in a short time, whether it is in two days or a week or even longer, the people that are close to the dying need to start on their process of transformation. This will help them grieve with a more settled feeling after the passing of the person and the sooner this is done the better. Also if a person looks back instead of looking forward, meaning if the person that is grieving looks forward into how life will be without that person, then there may be some problem of denial and it may create an unhealthy situation for the one grieving.

It is more comforting, rather, if the person grieving looks back at the time spent with the deceased, the relationship they had and the things they did together. That will make the person’s grieving more relaxed and in time make it all feel better and natural. It does not mean the person looking forward will be in a more traumatized state than one looking back but if the person was very close to the deceased and looks back at the good times spent with that person then the griever will feel much better. It is better for a person to remember good times spent with the deceased during the grieving process than to brood on how they will live life without the person being around. The only exception for looking forward on how life will be without a person is when you know the person is close to dying and you want to prepare yourself for the process of bereavement. This is done so a person is not confused when the time for bereavement comes. The future griever should project himself to the future and to the feeling of a loss; this sort of preparation makes the person more calm and stable at the moment of death.

This is much easier to do for the future griever, to experience the loss that has not happened yet, because that person feels more comfortable looking forward and imagining life without the person they love. It is hard but not as hard as looking forward after the death of a person. Sometimes, the loss of a loved one comes suddenly then, in some situations, a person may be in shock and will not know how to proceed through daily life without that person, or may fall into denial and act as if nothing has happened. To have a good bereavement experience, a person needs to prepare for the loss. If there is no time to prepare or worse yet, if the person neglects, despite knowledge of an imminent death, then the only resort is for the person not to fall into panic, but get help from a pastoral counselor. But the smoothest bereavement experience will most definitely come from preparation; therefore preparing yourself for the death of someone close is the best way to overcome it in the end.

There are five stages of grief: the first is denial and isolation. During this stage a person will deny the fact that the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from usual social contacts. This stage may last for brief or extended periods. The second stage of grief is anger. This stage is where the grieving person may be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt even if he/she is dead or at the world for letting it happen. He/she may be angry with himself/herself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have prevented it. Third is the stage of bargaining: now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking things like, if I do this, will you take away the loss? The fourth is depression: during this stage the person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath. The fifth stage usually completes the grieving process and life gets smoother from this point and the stage is acceptance, when sadness and mourning have diminished and the person can accept the reality of the loss.3

All of these stages appear in the story of Job 1:2-22, the faithful servant of the Lord. This story gives good examples of how one should and should not grieve. Job avoids and does not fall into any of the five stages, except one, the crucial stage of acceptance. Everyone should note the example of Job because it is healthy for the soul and body. When grieving for that special someone, one thing should be kept in mind: grieving is a natural process, meaning one should not and does not need to touch upon the first four stages of grief. The only thing a person should do during grief is find a healthy way through the process of grieving and that may be by keeping a strong faith and in the end accepting that which was bothering them. In my opinion, this is the best way to cope with grief.

In the Bible, Job does not undergo the first stage, denial, even though he lost everything. He does not deny it as if it happen but accepts it. Again with the second stage, Job does not undergo anger at anything for causing the situation, meaning he does not blame anyone for what has happened; once again he accepts it. Job does not undergo the third stage of bargaining. He never asks for anything back from God, in saying something like: ‘I’ll be a better person for the rest of my life if I get everything back’. No, Job once again accepts what happened. Job has strong faith so even the fourth stage, depression, does not bother him, because he knows in the end he will see the Lord and be with him. He has hope in God. If we all have hope in God like Job, even at our most difficult times, we will learn to accept our losses and not fall into denial, anger or bargaining, because those will not help, only faith in the Lord will. God knows everything and we should trust in him for what happens around us.

For a better understanding of Job’s situation in life and how he kept his faith, we must look in the Bible. Although Job was somewhat confused at first when he lost everything, he was somewhat affected by the four stages. Afterwards he accepted his situation and still remained faithful. When a person does not understand a situation that is bothering them in life, especially a situation dealing with grief, one can always come to meet with a pastor to discuses the problem at hand. Pastoral counseling can help. A person can experience difficult feelings that they cannot deal with by themselves and fall under one of three stages or all of them at the same time, which can be unhealthy. Through counseling a person makes their first step that leads them towards a better feeling; slowly but surely the person will view grief as a normal part of life and accept it altogether.

To really see what the grieving process should look like, and how one should not take out anger on someone, especially on God, during the grieving process, one can also look at the story of Job in an exegetical way. In Job 1:7-12 the Lord said to Satan, “where have you come from?” Satan answered the Lord and said “from going to and from on to the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” What Satan told the Lord can help one grieving to understand in those angry moments that God is not to blame, nor is any other person. In this passage from Job, God reveals to us that Satan always is on the lookout for trouble, and causes great disasters for people. Most of the time Satan finds those who are weak in spirit, but also those with a good heart and God’s grace upon them. When Satan said he was walking up and down on earth, he meant he was trying to find a way to seduce people into temptation, usually those that are spiritually weak. Humanity was immoral, but because of Satan, all people now have to die, Satan is sometimes responsible for the death of a loved one, but we should not vent our anger at him, but keep our faith strong in the Lord. After hearing what Satan said, the Lord says: “have you considered my servant Job?” The Lord knew that when Satan was walking up and down the earth looking to inflict disaster upon people, he could not have caused any danger unto Job. Job had strong faith in the Lord his entire life and was therefore protected by God from all evil.

A person who experiences a personal loss should learn and understand that God protects us from all evil, when we have faith in Him. Job was able to remain unharmed because of this. Until God granted authority to Satan, Satan did not have any power over the loved servant of God. Then the Lord said to Satan, “there is no one like him on earth, a blameless and upright man who fears God and turns away from evil.” God shows us an example here while teaching Satan a lesson showing how Satan has no authority, only through God. Satan answers God and says, “Does Job fear for nothing? Have you not put a fence around him and his house and all that he has, on every side?” Then again Satan says to God “but stretch your hand now, and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” This is an example that shows us we should never curse God or anyone we think is guilty for our suffering, as Satan thought Job would curse God for taking everything away from him, but Job did not. That is the way we should live life, and not course the Lord for the losses we grieve for but accept what has happened. Do not praise God at bad moments of your life but praise him at your good moments as well. God will reward for one’s faith and trust in Him. God wants no harm done to His children. Then the Lord said to Satan “very well, all that he has is in your power, only do not stretch out your hand upon him.”

Afterwards Satan took away Job’s family and all that he had around his household. Satan was waiting for Job to break and curse God for letting such suffering come upon him. During the grieving process people should keep their anger within them and not unleash it upon those who they think might be responsible. (Job1:20-22) “Afterwards Job arose, tore his robe, shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. He said ‘naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there, the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.’ In all of this Job did not sin or charge God with wrongdoing.” Modern society should follow Job’s example of life and grief and they will receive bountifully from the Lord, as in the end that Job for his strong faith in the Lord, received double the wealth he had before, and a fruitful family.

Although for the Orthodox Christian the grieving process is done in an environment of profound prayer and the Sacraments, this does not mean that - especially in our death-denying society - help and guidance are not needed from the priest. In this context, the function of the priest is to help his grieving spiritual child to accept the loss and that the energy that previously went into keeping the relationship with the deceased alive now must be channeled elsewhere, where it can be returned. First, the pastor must be aware that there are four essential "tasks” of grieving that must be accomplished or "processed" by the bereaved. The priest cannot grieve for the bereaved, but he can talk to them, explaining the process and facilitating it. They must first understand that their feelings are quite normal and they are not going crazy, and that this experience is normal. Going through the tasks and actually accomplishing them successfully is painful but is necessary to ultimately resolve grief. For one to be able to resume a full and productive life, one must follow the tasks and restore life by grieving. The four tasks grievers must acknowledge through the help of a pastor are: to accept the reality of the loss, to experience the pain of grief, to adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing, and the last task a person should acknowledge is that they should withdraw emotional energy and reinvest it.4

Grief is a part of love. If the style of pastoral ministry tends to deny, avoid or repress grief feelings, then we will inevitably repress love as well. We teach the congregation how to love, when we teach them how to grieve.5 If a person does not love something then he/she cannot grieve for it. In order to grieve, love must be present. No one grieves for something they don’t love.

During the Panakhyda service in the Eastern Christian Tradition, the priest says special prayers and sings special hymns for the departed. The prayers and the hymns, the words used, and the tones in which the Panakhyda is song, have a special feeling to them. The meaning of the prayers and the tones within the hymns bring out a sad and at the same time a happy feeling for the bereaved. It is reasonable to weep for a loss, even Jesus wept for the loss of Lazarus. When the priest sings during Panakhyda “with the just spirits who have reached their end…”6 these words have a special meaning for the bereaved, because they are comforted to know that the departed is with the Lord. As well when the priest asks the Lord to forgive the sins of the departed, voluntary and involuntary, the bereaved feels a sense of comfort that their loved one will be with God. The whole Panakhyda service is a gentle way to pay respect to the dead as well as for the bereaved to find comfort after hearing the service.

“Patience united with love is boundless”. “Don’t depress your heart, because depression of this world causes death, but taking on depression for God gives us life everlasting.”7 The bereaved in all ways need to go through the hard time of experiencing loss, as well as finding the right way to grieve and not just finding the right way but actually grieving in a healthy manner to restore their wounded souls.